Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 8

8. Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, in the Double-doomed Doghouse of DespairDo the condemned in hell endure the suffering that is a substantial day of mom-guilt heaped identical locomote piles of bat guano upon my spiky chromatic coif? (I went with magenta spikes with galvanizing chromatic tips to express my outrage at existence dragged from my home and imprisoned with the cruel Mombot and my crapacious tiny sister, Ronnie.) Evidently, Mother feels that we were too young to melt win in to labourher entirely a week afterward meeting, and live in a stolen apartment with two of the undead and their boneheaded amounts of cash. Although she doesnt au and then(prenominal)ticly lie with about the undead or the cash parts, further she made her point.Kayso, I had resembling put on my blushing(a) tartan espousals g induce with the gloomy veil and resolved myself to an both-day business leader-pout in the boxful of the living room, coming up only to school text Foo messages of my agony of missing him and mixture the channel and what non, when J a stemma-red c all tolded from the land-line at the love lair.So Im all, Speak, corpse-fluffer.And Jared is all, OMFG The Countess is out, and she was naked, nevertheless now shes not, and she totally got farm animal all everywhere your leather corset, and you open to go safe now because the rats are freaking out and we ask a hack saw and a file.And Im all, Uh-oh.And Jared is all, I know. I know. OMG OMGAnd Im all, Is she wonky? Sounding way more(prenominal) tremor than I felt.And Jared pauses for a second standardized hes bring forwarding it all everyplace, then hes all, Shes wearing your trim bring and in that respects origin test all down the front of her and shes nodding and showing her fangs and pee-pee.So Im a passelle(p) narrowting both(prenominal) grimace now- equal when youre a kid and you see it sucks that you contract to eat hydrogenated peanut stillter o n your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercial kids with the flies in their eye, who dont be use up up make up a sandwich-and youre all, swell up, that sucks. Kayso, Im thinking that mayhap being under restriction in the mother units Fillmore stronghold isnt so heavy(a) when compared to having the Countess busting out her wrath on you for imprisoning her in bronze.So Im homogeneous, Sucks to be you, Jared. Byez. And I dispatched my phone.So wish well basketball team minutes go by, which I spend in my niche freeing, Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, and whatnot, and the land-line rings. And Ronnie is all, Are you spillage to brook that? from her room.And Im all, I didnt as yet know it was hooked up.And she was all, Its credibly Mom checking up on you, so you might as well get it.And Im all, Ronnie, answer it or I lead murder you in your sleep and dunk your body in the Bay.And shes all, Kay. therefore, Its for you. Its whatsoever female child named Jody. An d Ronnie is all standing there with her groom head and her nonexistent hip propel out, similar So there, ho.And Im all, Fucksocks And I send the phone and Im bid, Hi, I retain brownout and dont remember every social occasion for the last two months Because what do you say to someone who you had bronzed?And the Countess is all, Abby, Im not angry.Which was a total lie, because I could lift up that she was angry. She had that Im not angry mom voice, even though shes only, analogous, twenty-six in real years.So youre not going to obliterate me?Well talk. Right now I slay you to get a superpower workout and a hacksaw with extra blades and come to the loft.And Im all, I dont know where to get throw homogeneous that, and Foos at work, and Im on restriction, and I have to go to school tomorrow. I have a test, so I totally substructuret cut cl merchantman, and besides, what do you make that stuff for?And shes all, Find the tools and come now. Tommy is stuck in the statue and we need to get him out.And Im thinking, Oops. hardly Im shroud and Im like, Cant he get out the resembling way you did?And the Countess is all, Tommy doesnt know how to turn to mist. Thats how I get away, but Tommy has been trapped in there for-how long, Abby?Oh, like a couple of days. Its all so foggy, after the head trauma. wherefore I hear her precept, like, Jared, come over here. I fatality Abby to hear your make love snap.Okay, like five weeks. Fuck, Countess, overreact more than?Come now, Abby.And she conscionable clicks take out.So I text Foo COUNTESS OUT, NEED HACKSAW PWRDRILL straight awayAnd hes all WTF? WTF? WTF? OUT? WTF? ACE HARDWARE, CASTRO ST(I know. quadruplet WTFs Foo has deep in see to itectual curiosity. Last week he quizzed me for twenty minutes on what it was like to have a clitoris. I in force(p) kept saying nice. I know, Im such a tard, I couldnt think of anything else. I so have to happen upon French. They have like thirty-seven lecture fo r clitoris. Theyre like snow to Eskimos, only you know, large(p)er to signifier an igloo out of.)Kayso, I text him KTXBYE 3And I key Ronnie to tell Mom that I think I got some anthrax on my soup-strainer and I have to go to Walgreens to get a new one so Ill be correct back. whence I put on my jacket with the cheer warts, in graphic symbol of vampyre kit railroad ties and whatnot, and I take the F car up to Castro pathway and go to Ace Hardware. And Im totally liveliness the animosity coming reach the detergent builder Bob guy in the red apron, and Im like, What? Youve never seen a wedding dress?And hes all, No, I love the dress, the jacket, the whole ensem is fabulous.And Im like, in truth? Thanks. Your apron rocks. I need a hacksaw and a power drill.And hes all, Whats it for?And Im all, You want a note from my mom? A fucking hacksaw and a power drill. Im on a schedule.And hes all, I asked because we have over thirty different diversitys of power drills.And Im like, Oh. I need to release my repulsiveness Lord from the bronze shell in which I imprisoned him.And hes, Oh, you should have utter so. And he leads me to the drill boutique and I picked out a red and shady one that matched my dress, and Bob picked out a hacksaw which totally clashed, but I didnt want to hurt his feelings, so I state it was trs beau, which is French for sweet.Kayso, as Im give for my stuff, I go, So, why are you guys windlessness open at mid dark?And Bob goes, Well, you know how it is, you never know when someone is going to need to free their dark nobleman in the middle of the night, or tie him up.And Im all, Ewww. Because I do not go for that shit. I am only into S and bondage as it applies to wardrobe. I tried and true cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flame fuck. I mean, Im into self-mutilations as much as the bordering person-I have eight piercings and five stains, some that hurt like double flaming fuck to get, but that was professional, and you suffer point someone. In circumstance, I know a guy in the Haight who provide tattoo you for free if youre a girl and you go yelling at him the whole term, which, it turns out, isnt that hard to do when someone is poking you with an electric needle. When he did my bat wings I wawled at him so much I lost my voice for two days.Kayso, I took the F car across town and the three blocks from Market to the loft, but like attribute the button on my fair weather wart jacket in case I got ambushed by Chet and his vampyre kitty pals, because I totally privyt run in my wedding dress because the buckles of my motocross platforms get caught in the lace, so its like, stand and fight or die, bitches But no vamp kitties came.Anyway, I make it to the loft and I come in all, Hey Countess, heres your drill All Carebear-on-crack-perky, although that might have been a mistake, because its a proven accompaniment that its easier to murder the perky. And Im classify of, WTF vampyress? Because shes not her prevalent self, which is like hemophiliac hawt, but shes like printer-paper pale. And I totally ignore the fact that shes wearing one of my long skirts and my black bustier without even asking, and its bustiering her way more than it does me, which is contour of rude. And Im all, Countess, are you okay? You learn kind of pale.And Jared is all, You should have seen her before she drank those blood sweethearts.And Im abruptly feeling all poop on a stick, because its obvious that shes all at peace(p) snowflake because shes been locked up without feeding. So Im like, Sorry. I just wanted you guys to be in concert for eternity, and it didnt sound like thats how it was going to happen.And shes like, Later, Abby. And she just takes the tools from me and goes over to the statue and starts drilling and sawing and whatnot.So Im like, How did you get out?And shes all, Rat boy was dancing and nicked the casting with his dagger. And Jareds all, I wasnt dancing. I had some espresso and I was telling them my novel and I lost my balance on your goosey boots.And Im all, You give the sackt give him caffeine, Countess. His aunt gave him a hundred-dollar Starbucks rag for Christmas and we had to have an intervention.And Jody pauses and looks back at me, her eyeball looking all emerald-like, because except for her hair, she has no color in her causa and shes like, Tommy didnt know how to turn to mist, Abby. I never had a chance to teach him before you bronzed us. Hes been trapped in here, estimabley conscious, for five weeks.And Im like backing away, because Ive seen the Countess pissed off before, like when the Animals kidnapped Tommy and she had to kick their asses to get him back, but now shes all jaw tightened like shes keeping herself from tearing my arms off or something. So I contour of feel for the button on the concussion of my sun jacket. Not like I was going to fry the Countess, because I wouldnt do that, but just for security.And she just snaps her progress out and before I can move shes breaked the battery out of my wrong pocket and ripped off the wire leads. I mean like faster than you can blink.So Im like, I wasnt going to inflame it up.And shes all, Just to be safe.But Im not feeling safe. And I can tell that Jared isnt feeling safe because hes sort of sniffling like hes going to start crying.And Jody is sawing on the bronze like a crazy person-on the side where she apply to be, so she doesnt cut Tommy-and last she has, like, enough sawed away that she can pull a piece away and look in.And shes all, Tommy, were going to get you out of there. I have to be vexful, but Ill get you out of there soon.And Jared is like, Do you need a flashlight?And Jody is like, No, I can see.And Jared is all, Is he dead?And right then Jody snaps a hacksaw blade and goes, Well of course hes dead, hes a vampyre.And Im all, Duh? Tard. As I hand Jody another blade.I have to say, that for someone with super powers and immortality, the Countess kind of sucks ass with tools. I guess the dark put doesnt include home improvement skills.Kayso, after about an hour the Countess pulls a self-aggrandizing piece off the statue, revealing Tommys face and torso and whatnot, and hes just stuck there, not moving, not opening his eyes, and even whiter than the Countess, kind of a light bruise-blue color.And Jared is all, He dead?And Jody is like kind of between a scream and a sob, and shes like, Get me another blood bag, Jared. And Abby, where the fuck are my attire? And a little blood tear runs down her cheek.And Im like, Uh-oh. Because now I realize why shes wearing my clothes. When Foo and I moved in we put all of Tommy and Jodys clothes in vacuum bags under the bed. So Im like, What do you want to wear, Countess? Ill get it. I mean, you can wear my stuff any time you want, because I am your faithful minion, but you have been endowed by your author with significantl y more boobage and junk in the trunk than me, no offense, and my stuff doesnt scarcely fit you. No offense.And Jared is all, She had your Emily hoody on over that but it got blood all over it. Not helping at all. Hey, who wants a latte?And the Countess snarled at Jared, full frontal fangs and all. And Jared jumped back and turned his ankle. And Im like, Oh shitAnd she barks, BloodAnd Jared and I are all, access right up. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.And I bring her the bag of blood and she tears it open with her teething and just pours it over his lips and in his lip and nothing happens. And Jody is crying and getting louder and Jared and I are getting more and more freaked out and even all the rats in their little boxes are freaking out and running around in circles and whatnot. And finally Tommys eyes pop open, and theyre like crystal blue, like ice, not like eyes, and he screams, and I swear to fucking zombie Jebus, the whole wall of windows in the loft just shattered in the fra mes.So Jared and I are all bent over in the corner, covering our ears, and Tommy comes flying out of the statue. You can hear his leg drum cracking like pretzels as he pulls them out, but he scurries on his hands, whang rats and furniture every which way, coming right at me, fangs first.And I go to sphere for the button on my sleeve, but hes on me, biting my recognize. Hes so strong its like trying to fight a statue, and I can hear Jody screaming, and the skin on my neck tearing in shreds. And my imaging is like tunneling down to dark, and Im thinking, Im fucking expiry? What the fucks up with that?Then theres this loud clang, like a bell, and I feel Tommy pulled off me. And light sort of comes back on. I can see the Countess standing there, holding Foos stainless-steel floor lamp like its a lance, and shes manifestly just smacked Tommy with it hard enough to strike hard him off of me. But instead of going at her, he comes scurrying right back at me, smearing blood all over the floor and everything.And the Countess catches him by the neck from behind and swings him around and out through and through the broken windows, and the metal frames and everything go with him.So theres the scream again, and Im holding my neck, and I sort of crawl to the big hole that used to be the front wall of the loft, and Tommy is in the middle of the street below, naked, in a big splash of metal and glass, and hes like crawling up the side of a car to his feet.And Jodys beside me. And shes all, Tommy TommyBut hes limping off down the alley across the street, base on balls like his legs are still broken, but maybe healing or something as he goes, but hurting like holy-fuck.So Jody takes my head and turns it to the side and pulls my hand away from the bite. And I feel like Im going to pass out. But she air embolism down and licks my neck, like three times, then puts my hand back on the wound. move over that. Itll heal in a second. Then she shook me and was all, Now, where th e fuck are my clothes?And Im all, Under the bed. Vacuum bags.I think I passed out then, because next thing I remember, the Countess is standing there in jeans and boots and her red leather jacket, and shes stuffing bags of blood into my biohazard messenger bag.And shes all, Im taking this.And Im all, Kay. Then Im like, You saved me.Im taking half the money, too, she said.Im all, You cant go. Where will you go? Who will take care of you?Like you did? she says.Im so sorry, I said.And shes all, I know. I have to find him. I brought him into this. He never wanted any of this. He just wanted someone to love him.So she starts to leave, without even saying good-bye, and Im all, Countess, wait, theres vampyre cats.And she stops. And she turns all, Whaaaa?And Jared is all nodding and going, Really. Really.And Im, Chet turned a bunch of kitties into vampyre kitties. They attacked the Emperor last night and they ate a meter maid.And she was all, Oh, for fucks sake.And Im all, I know, I know.Th en she was gone. And Jared was like in the middle of catching some escaped rats and hes all, You guys are going to totally get your security deposit.Jody is just gone. Gone. On her own in the night. Its like Lord Byron said in that poem Darkness.Darkness had no needOf aid from them-She was the Universe.Id like to go bone my sister now.Im paraphrasing.